Archive for November, 2006
November 30th, 2006
Now I know why I have been hearing voices…..
Your Birthdate: March 16
|
You’re incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head.
You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking.
People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right.
You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself.
Your strength: Your original approach to thinking
Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others
Your power color: Pale blue
Your power symbol: Wavy line
Your power month: July
|
Filed under: General | Comments Off
November 30th, 2006
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinean nor is it a pig! . And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?
Filed under: Humor | 
1 Comment »
November 28th, 2006
I am in search of a female 21 to 65 that is willing to help me to determine if I suffer from erectile dysfunction. As I am single and don’t have a girl friend, any help would be greatly appreciated to see if I need to answer any of the emails I have been getting concerning this problem.
You can contact me by email and discreet arrangements can be made to accommodate your schedule.
God bless those who want to assist me in finding the answer…
Filed under: General | 
3 Comments »
November 28th, 2006
Yesterday, University of Texas scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Gained weight.
2. Talked excessively without making sense.
3. Became overly emotional.
4. Couldn’t drive safely.
5. Failed to think rationally.
6. Argued over nothing.
7. Had to sit down while urinating.
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Filed under: Humor | Comments Off
November 27th, 2006
There is a phrase in law, “implied consent“.
n. consent when surrounding circumstances exist which would lead a reasonable person to believe that this consent had been given, although no direct, express or explicit words of agreement had been uttered..
Over the last 60+ years we have made no effort to overcome the fact that people who come to the US from the southern countries will not try to learn to speak our language , which has led to the following 2 articles showing the problems we face today. Spanish speaking people expect that the government, businesses, and schools should become bilingual to accommodate their lazy attitudes.
First Responders Learning Spanish
With increasing pressure on police to help enforce immigration laws, tensions between immigrants and officers run high and the language barrier hurts both.
In border states like Arizona, long accustomed to a strong Hispanic presence, some agencies resent the added pressure of learning a new language.
“I’m not going to train my officers to speak Spanish when the illegals are in this country,” said Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who has offered inmates English classes.
Bar is low for bilingual teachers
Texas has struggled for years to find teachers qualified in both English and Spanish.
Because state law requires bilingual education whenever 20 or more children in a grade share a language, Texas offers the program on a much larger scale than any other state. Bilingual education is offered through the fifth grade.
I told my 2 grandsons (10 , 8 ) over Thanksgiving that they should learn to speak Spanish and stand by to convert Islam by the time they reached 21 so they could get by when the US, as we have known it for over 200 years, ceases to exist.
We have surrendered and have become the country of babel “n. (usually lowercase) a confused mixture of sounds or voices“.
Filed under: General | Comments Off
November 27th, 2006
Some people can’t explain why they exist, proof is how easy they fall into a trap….
Filed under: Videos | Comments Off
November 25th, 2006
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all,this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife , and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek“.
Filed under: Humor | 2 Comments »
Click to see em 
